Left to my own devices, I can become highly critical of myself. I can pick myself apart and become convinced that I do not and my not ever excel at any of things I would like to. It’s a very unpleasant feeling, and occasionally I wonder where it comes from, and perhaps more importantly, what it does. I believe in creative endeavors it keeps me in a state of paralysis.

The scenario is very familiar to me, and obvious the more I consider it. I write a sentence, play some chords, work on anything with a degree of artistic expression, and I am liable to experience almost immediate disappointment in myself. Leaving something and returning later is even worse. I review the work in my head, over and over again, and become well convinced that it need not exist and should be deleted, erased, purged as soon as possible. So much work has met its end this way, barely formed, and never fully explored. I become convinced that its not worthwhile, not up to par, and discard it, start fresh.

But I know it doesn’t work that way..

“..everything is gestation and then bringing forth. To let each impression and each germ of feeling come to completion wholly in itself, in the dark, in the inexpressible, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one’s own intelligence, and await with deep humility and patience the birth-hour of a new clarity: that alone is living the artist’s life: in understanding as in creating. There is no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means, not reckoning and counting, but ripening like the tree which does not force its sap and stands confidence in the storms of spring without fear that after them may come no summer. ” Rilke

I know, but somehow I forget. What I need to forget is the idea of completion, of making something for any end other than growth. I need to just make experiments and let them remain seeds. Stop thinking about perfection and mastery, these things will come with time and a love for creating.

But at this moment, I can hate very easily. It happens often, I’ll let myself get distracted by other tasks so as to avoid actually starting the work. Because its messy business, a truly difficult thing, scratching out an ideal and with an aim to creaate something beautiful or meaningful. That is all I really want, to create beautiful things. It’s a good goal, but a challenging idea.

I am always trying to jump past the germination into the blossoming. I am always five steps ahead of where I am at, thinking about making a piece or a work, and then comparing it to things I admire. How could it compare in such an embryonic stage and not have flaws? And how could I be anywhere near anything I admire when I know full well the dedication the creators put into developing themselves and their art? They probably haven’t avoided everything I have.

Expectation develops so easily and I find it easier still to criticize myself and my abilities. To decide absolutely, I should stop, give in, give up. And it’s times like these that my brain becomes an utter mess, devestated by questions of what can you do well, what do you love, what will you do? I can’t face it, and I distract myself from pushing through this wall, I focus on ways to sidestep it, divert it. But no, I need to find a way through.